A Posthumous Anniversary

A few pictures and conversations with Stu

Today would have been Stuart & my 24th wedding anniversary. I had already bought some nice sake and a Japanese design book for Stu, but I’ve set those aside for when the November Grand Sumo Tournament comes on.

October 14, 2000, Me and Stu

Timeline for Stu & Meep

We met in the summer of 1996. I had just graduated college and was about to go to NYU for grad school.

I had thought to have a fling, a last hurrah, before leaving North Carolina.

That lasted about 28 years.

One thing that helped the long-distance relationship once I went to NYC and Stu stayed back in NC was that (after a while) he was working for American Airlines in the reservations call center in Cary, NC. He would fly up to NYC every few weeks, do my laundry, we’d hang out, etc.

We were engaged on Good Friday 1998 — a funny story involving a busted lock, dirty clothes, me not breaking my fast while Stu kept trying to get me to go to a restaurant, and then me not being able to get any close relative other than one aunt on the phone to break the news.

Part of this story was that I was heavily involved in the Catholic Center at NYU. In 1998-1999, I did RCIA and finally got confirmed in the Catholic Church (I’m a cradle Catholic), and in my conversations with Stu about going through the Catechism, he decided to join the Church. Stu got the whole deal (baptism, etc.) in the Easter Vigil 2000.

We were married on October 14, 2000. We moved to a co-op apartment in Queens in a development originally built by Donald Trump’s dad in the 1930s.

On the subway ca2000

As Stu moved to NYC from NC, he couldn’t stay with American Airlines, and as the NYU Catholic Center just lost their secretary, he became the parish secretary there.

Then September 11, 2001 happened. Stu was walking on 4th St. when the 2nd plane hit. The Catholic Center hosted funerals for months. I dropped out of grad school in the spring of 2002, but continued to work adjunct jobs while trying to break into the financial sector and taking the actuarial exams.

Spring 2003: I entered the actuarial career with my first job at TIAA, and I gave birth to Stu & my first child together. (Stu had an older child, Heather, from before we had met. Stu was 12 years older than me.)

Resting with my first baby, Chase, 2003

I decided to be efficient with both babies and actuarial exams. When our first child came along, Stu quit his job at the Catholic Center, becoming a full-time stay-at-home parent. I produced the babies, and Stu took care of them.

The next two babies came in 2005 and 2006.

Stu with my 2nd baby, Siobhan, 2005

I don’t have many pics of Stu with the kids, as he was the main person taking the pictures. That’s something people need to remember — and a shift in number of pictures that occurred once Stu was diagnosed with cancer. Once that happened, I made a point of getting family pictures with Stu in there, and I also went to the extent of “tricking” Stu by pretending to taking selfies, but really taking pictures of him. (He did end up figuring out I was taking pics of him on the sly.)

In 2007, we moved to Westchester County, and starting in the fall of 2008 (remember that? the financial crisis?), loads of changes happened in my career and our lives. Let’s ignore my career, and focus on our personal lives.

In the fall of 2009, our son Diarmuid (my third child, Stu’s 4th) was diagnosed being on the autism spectrum and started at Fred S. Keller School. Stuart was intensely involved in Diarmuid’s training, as he had limited language capabilities, as well as limited life skills, such as feeding himself.

Stu with Diarmuid and Chase, ca 2011

In August 2010, my chronic pain journey began, and that continues. The good news is it doesn’t seem to be any of the big bad degenerate diseases (like MS). The bad news is it never goes away.

In August 2017, Stuart was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. After which, I decided we were getting family portraits.

Family Portraits

2017

2019

2021

Conversations with Stu

Stuart wasn’t on social media. There were reasons. Mainly because I was on social media for him.

He didn’t read the blog(s). He supported the old tech at marypat.org for years, but that did eventually fall apart. He kept our home networks running (I’m going to have to figure out all this stuff now… yay)

Stu realized that I would transcribe his funniest lines, especially if he told me to write them down. I used to write them down specifically for The Actuarial Outpost (which no longer exists). I used to share all the actuarial gossip with him.

This is a bunch of Dickens allusions. Buy me a drink, and I’ll explain it…

Oh, I remember all 3 now, but I’m not telling you any of them

Stu and I had some very elaborate in-jokes. He could say a single word at the right time, and I would die laughing.

One thing we shared was a love of sumo. Though neither of us could be terribly active together, we could sit together on the couch, and laugh… and maybe that reminds you of another classic couple:

I miss him.

Additional sayings from Stu: a sample